No doubt you’ve seen my famous video course, ‘Get Rich In Days Leasing Mopeds In Cairo’, wherein the Seventeen Secrets of Success are quickly revealed to the intrepid viewer, leading to a long lifetime of financial rewards, free of erectile dysfunction and athelete’s foot.
Now, for a limited time only, you can receive my new book outlining the failsafe way to score big on LinkedIn, the world’s most alluring platform for business wannabes and Microsoft billionaires who’ve discovered the secret of the century: How to make easily distracted Amway dealers stare at advertising for hours on end without even noticing.
This book, which you might have guessed is called “How To Make Millions of Dollars a Week on LinkedIn Through Incessant Hyperbole, Mystifying Acronyms and Fatuous Buzzwords”, is a fascinating dissection of the world of opportunity awaiting you on LinkedIn. Even if you’ve never read a book before or have only joined LinkedIn four minutes ago at the advice of a Nigerian prince on WhatsApp, I guarantee that you will be instantly transfixed in wonder at my mesmerizing prose and overwhelmed with the possibilities I provide to you on every single page.
Even though this is certain to make you millions in as little as three weeks, you will be astounded to discover that this book, bundled with my free ‘Pocket Guide To Diamond Mining In Your Own Backyard’, is being offered for the unprecedented price of $69.98. On the very first page, you will learn how to obfuscate your lack of experience in any field by putting two or three letters at the end of your name. They don’t necessarily have to mean anything, or relate to your previous studies. You gain in perceived stature just by using them.
However, if you wanted to take it to the next level, you are invited to visit this website http://www.buymeaninglessletters.com, where, for $19.95, you can purchase any random three-letter combination you like. With this purchase comes your exclusive right to use them for any purpose you desire—even outside of LinkedIn. For instance, college girls on Facebook are wild over guys with letters after their names. It either means they’re smart, they’re making good money, or they’re just perceptive enough to have visited http://www.buymeaninglessletters.com. Either way, these letters--even though the viewers have no idea what they mean—indicate a success-oriented mindset, a proven aphrodisiac among lonely waitresses on Facebook.
Your arsenal of window dressing will not be complete without my free booklet, “LinkedIn Guide To Distracting And Essentially Meaningless Buzzwords” which can be had for a shipping and handling fee of $19.95. Within minutes, your prosaic profile on LinkedIn can become a lush garden of self-serving bushwah with annoying preppie resume terms like ‘Engaging’, ‘Leader’, and ‘Impactful’. Though most self-help gurus would advise you not to use titanic time-wasters like ‘Synergy’, ‘Thinks Out Of The Box’ and the ever-popular ‘Problem-Solver’, this guide encourages you to employ every single one. Though recruiters find these terms irritating to no end, if nothing else, it will show readers that you pay attention to a lot of profiles on LinkedIn. People will instantly like you more because you read their favorite buzzwords and thought enough of the author to repeat them mindlessly.
Remember, anonymity is your friend. No one on LinkedIn has any idea if you’re the Assistant Vice President of Origami at Play-Doh, International or not. Even in the unlikely event that you’re trying to get an interview out of your profile, scheduling a personal meeting will take such a long time that you can take a course in Origami before the interview. You think everybody that lists ‘React.js’ on their resume actually knows React.js? Did you ever read a whole page of React.js code? Tell me your favorite neurosurgeon could make any sense out of that. But it’s what IT Personnel Directors want to see, so PHP and C++ programmers just write it down and hope that the subject doesn’t come up. After all, if the recruiter did offer them a job writing React.js, chances are they’d turn it down.
So remember, your ticket to eternal internet fame and fortune is only a book away. Just four easy payments of $20.00 will reserve your copy of this best-selling guide. If you’re not instantly satisfied, you can send it back for the first three days for only a shipping and handling fee of $19.95. After three days, you can fill out a refund form on our website at http://www.youreoutofluckjim.com.